The New Year has been good to me thus far. I really can’t complain. I have, of course, been spending as much time with my mom as possible. The more time passes, the more I realize what an incredible woman she is. I am truly, truly blessed.
Been cycling too as of late. Astinos, my road bike and I have been reunited. I really want to take advantage of this free time to exercise, eat a little better, lose weight. (Yes, I am well aware that is a very popular New Year’s resolution.) Anyway, I would prefer to run but my right knee has been giving me grief. Have to get I checked out when I head back to Mexico. I am more than a little worried that I may have caused some irreparable damage back in the tri days when I ran on concrete sidewalks. Sigh.
Cycling isn’t too bad. I have a newfound affection for it. The speed, the opportunity to be outdoors with the sun shining on my face… It’s bliss.
I’m finding, however, that quiet time can be a double edged sword. On the one hand I have been sleeping and recharging batteries. On the other, it has given me the opportunity to think a lot. There are times when I am happy. I smile foolishly as I ride, gliding past golf courses, joggers, moms pushing strollers along. And then, inevitable questions sneak in… why am I pretending everything is okay? Why am I still alone?
Reading past posts, I can’t help but cringe at the false optimism that somehow worked its way into so many entries. I suppose I know why. I’ve wanted to remain hopeful and optimistic. I’ve been trying to program myself to see everything with far more good cheer than I feel a great deal of the time.
With regard to school, I have actually been happy, matter of fact. It’s the personal facet of my life that I’m not quite as pleased with. I want to change all that, I really do. And I kind of have an idea of where I need to start.
I was riding along just a couple days ago feeling angry somehow, frustrated. And as I examined the emotion I realized that it was directed at me, at myself. And I wondered why it is that I am so damn hard on myself? Why is it that I have such a hard time loving myself?
And the answer came back… because I grew up feeling as though my own father doesn’t love me. And when the one man in your life who should, in theory, love you unconditionally, makes you feel unloved, you start thinking it’s a problem within you. You think perhaps you are unlovable. At least, that’s how I have felt for too long.
I have mentioned in the past that my relationship with my father is difficult. It probably goes beyond difficult, but the main gist is this: he doesn’t love me as I wish he would. Or perhaps he doesn’t express it the way I would like.
In all fairness, I should mention my father has worked 2 jobs for years and years, to better provide for his family. And even in the midst of this, I still remember him attending my high school swim meets. He went to many of my band concerts. It was my dad who taught me to drive.
I realize now there is some faulty thinking at play here, but see, I have carried that feeling around for so many years. It’s kinda hard to chuck the notion from one moment to the next.
I think, I think it’s not so much that he doesn’t love me so much as our personalities being somewhat incompatible. And when I was younger, I wasn’t aware of it. I just assumed his chastising me meant he was rejecting me outright.
Does this mean perhaps I was mistaken all along? Huh. I never would have imagined that.
What strange relief…
Coco in México 